Part of the problem may be that mothers and fathers, not to mention teachers or anyone else considered moral authorities, indoctrinate this idea into children at a very young age. I know of virtually no psychotherapists, aside from myself, who even raise the issue, much less take the position I do on the subject. But I encounter very few people who are either able or willing to stand up to the self-refuting, contradictory accusation of “selfish,” even in this newfound era of self-esteem. Psychologists and psychotherapists everywhere tell us to have self-esteem. Much is made about how we live in the glorious new era of self-esteem. “I’m putting myself before another person.”īut isn’t that what I’m doing to you? Aren’t I demanding that you give up what’s important to you in my favor, merely because I feel I need it or want it? If I’m entitled to be selfish enough to make a demand on you, aren’t you at least equally entitled to decline it? When you decline to do so, I call you “selfish.” You bow your head in humility. Let’s say I want you to come to my house, drop what you’re doing and listen to me complain about something. This should discredit the complaint upon arrival.
The moment somebody says you’re selfish, and therefore bad or wrong, is the moment the person making this accusation contradicts him- or herself. It’s selfish of them to not want you to be selfish, according to their own definition and standards. This elevates the other person’s evaluation, want or need above your own. How awful you are!”īut if selfishness is so bad, then why is it acceptable for the person accusing you of it to want you to do something? Nobody calls you selfish unless they want something from you, something they consider the better option. The context for this phrase is, “You won’t do what I want. Many people are ready to call you “selfish.” It’s the greatest, most intimidating and most condemnatory phrase they can ever utter against you. One of the most stunning of these contradictions involves use of the concept “selfishness.” Human beings are capable of many contradictions.
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